HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN LOVE?

have you ever known love that didn’t give? the kind that, after taking and taking, seemed to have nothing to give back? the kind that seemed hesitant togive it’s energy and time, much less it’s life, to see you succeed. have you ever known a love that wouldn’t sacrifice? the kind that couldn’t swallow it’s pride and walk away but instead had to have the final word without care or consideration of the repercussions?  have you ever known a love that didn’tprotect? the kind that allowed you to walk in to a den wolves by yourself or left you in the cold when you need them most?

if you have, i would suggest that you knew something, but it wasn’t love, beloved. real love, true love, regardless of type (romantic, professional, familial, etc) gives, sacrifices and protects. as you travel through life, judge the love you experience against these three things and do not allow yourself to be fooled by impostors.

note: i write this post on a day that celebrates the most incredible lovers on the planet…mothers. mothers are givers of life, sacrificers of all things (including their bodies), and ultimate protectors of their seeds from incubation through full blossom. to all of the mothers out there, happy mother’s day! this post is also written on the eve of a new life for me. as i am just a few short days from walking down the aisle with the woman i love, i prepare myself to love in the truest sense of the word-not just with my emotions, but with my actions and behaviors, all of which will be rooted in a place of giving, sacrifice and protection. keep me in your thoughts and prayers, that i may be the man my wife to needs me to be

RELATIONSHIPS AIN’T NEVER 50/50

somebody lied to us.  somewhere along the line, somebody told us relationships are supposed to be equal–that each person would give to the relationship just as much as they would take out of it.  and now we suffer.  we suffer from failing relationships by accepting this falsehood as relationship gospel.

the truth is, relationships ain’t never 50/50. they are 60/40, 70/30, 80/20 and, at times, even 99/1 (especially if you are raising kids).  the scales will always be tipped in one person’s favor versus the other. why?  because the combination of our situation (what’s going on in our life) + our method for handling that situation (our personality/ philosophy/ training) + the other person’s situation + their method for handling their situation will always lead to a disproportionate pull on the relationship by one party.  when she is fighting for her health, she may pull more.  while he is on his entrepreneurial grind, he may need more help.  when you are first joining that new company or starting that new position, you will take more value from the company than you give.

but, while the scales will be always tipped, relationships can flourish when two things happen.  one: we must seek to have the scale rest as close to equal as possible in the long run.  that means accepting a disproportionate pull by one party in the short-term (day-to-day, month-to-month, or even year-to-year), but allowing the scale to continually shift from one party’s advantage to the other’s as seasons change and/or we develop new methods for handling life.  two: the party who is “getting more” at the time must create enough meaningful moments that refill the other party’s energy so that their partner can continue giving until it is time for the tide to s giving the “right things” enough times so that your partner is not operating on an empty tank.

although relationships are never 50/50, it does not mean they have to fail.  relationships can be successful simply by adjusting our expectations to be “more real” and adopting strategies that facilitate the right amount of give/take in the short and long run.

MARRIAGE: AN ACT OF SELFISHNESS

most of the time, when you hear people talk about marriage they talk about how selfless one has to be in order to make one’s marriage work.  these people talk about all one has to give up in order to make the other person happy and how one has to consistently forfeit their personal needs in exchange for meeting the needs of the other person.  but these people are wrong.  marriage is not about ignoring one’s personal needs; it is, in fact, quite the opposite.  marriage is all about understanding your needs and making sure those needs are met by any means necessary. marriage is an incredibly selfish act. understanding this idea, calls for redefining “your needs” based on what happens when one gets married.

in it’s most basic form, marriage is the act of two people becoming one.  the bible has countless scriptures that speak to this truth, such as:

• …therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (genesis 2:24).
• …husbands should love their wives as their own bodies (ephesians 5:22)

consequently, when it comes to husbands and wives, there is no separation.  s/he is you and you are s/he.  when s/he is not happy, you (the unit) are not happy.  when s/he doesn’t feel loved and respected, you (the unit) do not feel love and respected.  when s/he is not satisfied with his or her career, you (the unit) are not satisfied with your career.  recognizing this truth, that in marriage there is no separation, helps us understand that when you respond to the needs and desires of your spouse, you are really responding to your own needs and desires because the two of you are one and the same;thus making everything you do for your partner and/or the unit, senbsp; and those who will have the most successful marriages are those who will adopt the most selfish behaviors, passionately devoting themselves to caring for their partners needs (and thus the needs of the unit) regardless of what’s going on around them.

so the next time your girls ask you why you are staying home to please your husband, tell them you are being selfish.  or when your boys ask you why you can’t go out with them tonight, tell them your wife needs attention, so it’s time for you to be selfish.  don’t get caught up thinking about what you’re giving up, every thing you do, you are doing selfishly for the team.

note: although i use christian scriptures as the basis for two becoming one, if you accept the idea that in marriage two people unite as a unit, regardless of whether you are christian or not, the idea of marriage being a selfish act still stands.

THE SECRET TO MAKING MARRIAGE LAST

During pre-marital counseling, my pastor gave my beautiful wife and I the secret to making marriage last.  The story he told us on the journey to revealing the secret, is the one where King Solomon is asked to determine, between two quarreling women, the real mother of a newborn baby.  Because King Solomon can not get either woman to admit that she is not the mother of the baby, Solomon renders a fierce verdict: cut the baby in half and hand each mother a portion.  Realizing that it is better to keep her baby alive than to be “right” and end up with half of a baby, the real mother commits the ultimate sacrifice & request that the King give the other woman the baby so that her child can live.  Recognizing that only the real mother would make this type of sacrifice, King Solomon gives the child back to his rightful mother.  The moral of the story: if you are ever at a point in your marriage where things have gone incredibly bad and you have to make a choice between personal sacrifice (being right) and splitting the marriage (re: baby) in two, always be willing to make the personal sacrifice in order to see the marriage live.

When I heard the story, I stored it away for a rainy day, believing that, perhaps, one to three times in my lifetime I may have to make this incredible sacrifice.  I was armed with wisdom and would be ready if, and when, the time ever came.  However, recently I’ve come to a stunning realization.  This idea is not to be stored away for a rainy day; it is to be used every single day of my marriage.  Every day, e to be willing to make personal sacrifices (even when we are right) in order to see our marriages succeed.  That means going to the store for our spouse even when we don’t feel like it.  It means planning units of quality time with each other every week, even when we want nothing more but to be at home and be lazy.  It means meeting our spouse’s intimate needs, even when we just want to roll over and go to sleep.

I have come to realize that, the war for a successful marriage is one of daily battles; it is not about being prepared for the once-in-a-lifetime epic battle.  The truth is, if you are not sacrificing every day to ensure the marriage (baby) lives, than by the time you get to the once-in-a-lifetime situation where you really have to choose the baby or yourself, it just might be too late.